Satire : The Irish Government’s New Four Step Plan To Solve The Housing Crisis

 By Evan Dalton for TheCollegeView

Photo : The Journal


A new policy announced today by Taoiseach Michael Martin states that the Irish Government will attempt to solve the housing crisis through a new four step plan, known as ‘NOWT.’ 


The new process, NOWT, which stands for Neglect, Overlook, Withhold Attention and Tune Out aims to address the current property deficit in the country.


According to a report by stockbroker Davy prior to the 2024 General Election, Ireland needs at least 93,000 homes built a year, until 2031, to satisfy the current need. Initial figures released by the Department of Housing say that NOWT will fall 93,000 short of this figure in 2025 and 2026. 


When asked by TheCollegeView in a press conference outside Leinster House, Martin told TheCollegeView that the inspiration for NOWT was inspired by former Taoiseach, Charles Haughey’s, “inspirational ability to ensure all aspects of policy were accounted for, and all areas of Government were above board.”


Haughey used a similar plan during his tenure as Taoiseach, which lasted four governments, known as VICE. Haughey was a huge advocate of VICE, a scheme used to stop all corruption within Irish planning authorities. VICE, an abbreviation for ‘Villany, Injustice, Corruption and Exploitation.’ 

 

Current Minister of Housing, James Browne also spoke to TheCollegeView, stating that after the release of NOWT, he “feels good, like I knew that I would.” Browne was the main creator of NOWT, and has been working on the plan since he was elected in a recent year that no one really knows because he hasn’t done much anyways.


“Housing in this country is a massive problem,” said Tanaiste Simon Harris, after thanking us for our question. “Myself and my extensive team will be working towards more podcasts appearances, less responsibility and almost anything that doesn’t involve a health related scandal, in line with NOWT’s new initiatives’” he followed. 


Included in NOWT’s new initiatives is a tax break for McDonald’s based on the number of apartments they put up to let within a period of six months, as well as a 2.5 per cent increase in carbon tax. The Government will use defensive strategies when in negotiation with property developers to secure less productive periods, such as free tea bags for all builders.


It is confirmed at present whether the tea bags provided are Lyons or Barry’s. 


Presidential candidate Heather Humphreys was asked about Fianna Fail and Fine Gael’s announcement during her campaign today, to which she responded by blaming Catherine Connolly. Withdrawn candidate Jim Gavin was not in a position to comment, as he has not been seen outside in a week. 


A source close to TheCollegeView has confirmed that a similar plan, known as SWEETFA is expected to be launched in response to the current length of public healthcare waiting lists. 

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